Andrew Aja

From the beginning, I admired Andrew's passion and enthusiastic dedication to his individual moral development. He holds an evident commitment to the truths he holds dear and close observation would show how his love for his Father in Heaven affects his interactions with his fellow men.

On a more intimate note, I found in Andrew a disapproval of wrong or immoral behavior that I could closely relate to. I think that, in many ways, Andrew taught me to see and identify a problem I have struggled with throughout my life. Having been the only Mormon in my high school, I have always had a difficulty distinguishing between the way I feel about my friends and their personal lifestyle decisions; which often seemed to be at odds with my personal standards and strict code of conduct. I had a troublesome time trying to differentiate between my love for them and my love/approval of their actions. In many ways, I shared in the passion to do what I thought was right in the same way as Andrew. However, as a result of that passion to uphold the beliefs and standards I found to be true, I often disregarded the feelings and respect towards my close friends. We often seemed to be at odds with one another. And as a result, I lost the trust of many good friends who had been offended by my enthusiastic personal plight for righteousness.

Andrew, in his own personal crusade to become the best version of himself and to do what whatsoever is agreeable in the eyes of God, taught me to put God's will above all else. After all, God, the Creator of all men and of all things on earth, would want only the best for all of them. I am an strong believer that God loves us each individually and equally wants to see us all develop and grow in this mortality. I know that He is our Father and as a Father loves us and wants nothing but our best.

This may seem like a tangent away from what I've learned from Andrew; but it's all very intricately connected. Andrew's passion taught me that my passion to do right was something honorable and in finding so, I was able to forgive the mistakes I made in my interactions with my friends in high school. And in forgiving myself, I am now able to move forward...Moving forward allowed me to understand how God loves us each of us in spite of how much he disapproves of our wrong choices. He continues to love us and guide us, although he does not condone our wrong behaviors. I indirectly learned through my interactions with Andrew that I can be disapproving of behavior, while still loving the individual. It isn't because somebody upsets me that I should be judgmental. I should continuously love them; and that love alone is the driving force is bringing about change.

On another note, I found a brother in Andrew. Someone who shared my love for blues and for reading. An English major, I would often find Andrew reading one book or another. I admire his drive to learn and to analyze the little things in poetry and in short stories. This often translated into his attention and care for the little things in everyday life. I am blessed, still today to enjoy Andrew's daily acts of charity, generosity, and concern for his friends. As Andrew remains an active participant in my life, I expect to continuously learn from him and from his unique perspective on life.

First Take: European Project

So now that I am back from my European adventure, I have been pondering a method in which I can keep alive the memory and the experience. Not that I wish to dwell on the past by any means, but rather so I could remember the wonderful people and lessons I have learned. My project plan goes as follows:

Over the next couple of posts, I intend to focus on one of the people who I went to Europe with. In order to keep it random, I plan on addressing each of the 50 people on this trip based on alphabetical order. I will address my peers first, and then I will move on to the instructors and their wives. I do not, in any way, intend to advertise my posts to the group I went to Europe with, it's purely for my own reflection as I truly believe each and every person blessed my life and changed me for the better.

I believe God puts people in our lives in order to teach us something. I believe it would be ungrateful for me to forget the way each individual changed my life. Grant it, it is expected that some people would naturally leave a larger impression than others as I got the opportunity to get to know certain people better than others. However, I could not be more grateful for each person who came along on this trip and I truly believe this specific group of people were chosen on basis of inspiration.

Here I go.

There but for the grace of God, go I.

Today I almost quit. I stared into the mirror and wondered if I should just give up and if it wasn't time to go home. When I considered this, fear entered my heart and I wondered about what the past held for me. My answer may seem obvious to most, but to me, it took a moment to recognize.

Last semester in devotional I heard somebody teach that in life it was impossible to return to a moment before any experience. You could never go back to a state of mind or a lifestyle that you had in the past because you could never forget or undo an experience. As I said, this may seem obvious to most, but as I sit here in nostalgia, this was a difficult conclusion to reach.

Let's analyze my life for a minute. I just returned to college after spending the first half of the semester in Europe studying religious history. That experience was absolutely life changing and I was inspired to change and to become. While I was there, I found myself anxious to return because I saw a bright future ahead of me. I was fearless, because no matter what, I knew that God would stand by me. I knew that He would guide my steps. Though I stepped into the dark, I trusted that He would light my path. This certainty made me wish the trip would come to a conclusion so that I would come home and put the things I learned into practice.

When I returned, I was tested by the life I had already set up for myself before the trip. Although I had returned with new-found confidence and faith, I still had to face the life I left behind; for it had not changed its perspective. The people I know and loved and the places familiar to me expected the same old Jessica. They expected the same mistakes, the same attitudes, the same goals. This would be my new challenge -- to change the person I had once been.

In the process of aligning my life and will with Gods, I found myself stumbling and afraid. I lost the long, enduring companionship of my best friend. In so many ways, I lost the force which kept me strong for so many years. I lost my foundation. As I unraveled on the floor, my will was weakened. And much like Lot's wife, I looked back; refusing to trust in God's ability to provide me with a new foundation.

As I looked back, the rest of my life broke down before me. I found myself distant from the people I cared about. I found myself detached and alone and afraid once again. Though I caught up on my sleep and on my exercise, I felt like I was losing my grasp on the future and on my faith.

And so, here I am today. Barely holding on. Yet I had this wonderful experience and I was rescued once again. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once said that God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with His help, where you are willing to go. And so here I am today. Barely holding on, but trusting that God has a plan for me and that he will provide a way by which His plan can be accomplished.

There but for the grace of God, go I.

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

The Art of Losing...

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something everyday. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these things will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

--Elizabeth Bishop

Liberation

"And no doubt it is more comfortable to submit to a blind enslavement than to work for liberation." (Simone de Beauvoir)

Pride and Love

Alright, I think I had an epiphany. I'll let you be the judge, since I don't quite entirely know what to make of it yet....Here it is.

This may seem a bit random, but The Wedding Singer, the movie, has been on my mind during the past couple of weeks. And here's something I only just realized today.

What happens at the end of the movie? You know, before Robby sings to Julia on the airplane and then they get married. I don't know why this stuck out so much to me, but today I learned something new about myself.

I put myself in Robby Hart's shoes when he realizes that Julia, the woman he's in love with, has fled with her idiot fiance to Las Vegas to get married as soon as possible, after having gone over to Robby's house to tell him that she was in love with him and meeting Robby's ex-girlfriend at the door wearing his t-shirt and underwear.

Now, I understand that if I were Julia, I would've probably been rather hurt as well. However, I had never really analyzed the grandness of Robby's ability to swallow his pride and truly fight for his love for Julia by dropping everything without questions, in order to get on the next plane and chase after her. I don't know if I would have showed as much understanding as Robby. All I can imagine is how I'd be condemning Julia for having left me. I'd probably wallow and denounce her love as false, assuming that if she had truly loved me, and if the love had been real, than she wouldn't have left to marry the wrong guy, in spite of desperation.

Maybe somewhere inbetween those two is the right answer, the path lovers should take. Maybe Robby is willing to swallow his pride for her sake, and maybe Julia should have stayed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all have to fight for the things we want, we each have to be willing to make sacrifices because love is always a two-way street—a joint effort.

The Perfect Man

“You are hoping to catch the perfect man. I have yet to see one who is perfect. Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are that you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy. (Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley, October Conference, 2003, To the Women of the Church)

A Brief Thought

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too—even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling" (Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie, 61).

Freedom

Alright, let's talk about commandments. This subject has been on my mind for quite a while and I believe it's appropriate to expound on my beliefs regarding this matter. I would additionally care to briefly address the popularized notion that to obey any laws; whether they be of heaven and of God or of government and of man), is to give up one's freedoms. I believe, of course, that the popularity of this mentality automatically discredits it. In all their wisdom, my parents always taught me to question the established beliefs of the majority, so here I am, questioning them.

From a purely religious perspective, particularly from a Mormon perspective -- we believe in something called free agency, the God-given gift of choice. We reject ideas of predestination and of destiny and fate. We do, in fact, believe that we are promised certain blessings and rewards in accordance to our abidance to the laws of God. Therefore, this understanding leads into another point, which is that God would never coerce us into any behavior pattern or decision -- He leaves the decision making process up to the individual.

I think Elder Boyd K. Packer, current president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Latter-Day Saint church ("the Mormons"), said it best when he said, "obedience to God can be the very highest expression of independence. Just think of giving him the one thing, the one gift, that he would never take. Think of giving him that one thing that he would never wrest from you..." In other words, the only thing that we can really ever directly give to God, that's truly ours to give, is our agency, our will.

Belonging to the Mormon minority growing up, I honestly never heard enough of how the standards of clothing, media, relationships, etc. I chose to live by were restricting my individuality and my opportunities of experiencing "the good things in life." In other words, God's commandments restrict me from attaining full happiness and joy in life. Do you see the problem with that logic? Especially if you're the kind of person who believes in the omnipotence and perfection of God.

Elder Packer continues, "Obedience--that which God will never take by force--he will accept when freely given. And he will then return to you freedom that you can hardly dream of--the freedom to feel and to know, the freedom to do, and the freedom to be, at least a thousandfold more than we offer him..."

Summary -- Weirdly enough, by giving your will to God, he then shows you the way to achieve perfect freedom. You're freed from the need His constant supervision because he can trust your judgment. Brigham Young, an early prophet of the Mormon faith added that through obedience to divine laws you are freed from becoming a slave of your own passions. Obedience, and the kind of fulfilling freedom we gain from it, is what differentiates humans from animals. We need not be driven by our irrational and limited desires.

So, do I feel left out when I get to not get my heart broken because I give it away too quickly? Or do I feel more free by putting myself in the line of fire of addicting behaviors such as drugs? Maybe you think I feel limited by dressing myself in a modest manner and avoiding the kind of attention that wearing provocative clothes might bring me?

I'd have to say that claiming that obedience negates me freedom is a rather uncreative and close-minded way to approach the subject.

For Rebecca.

It wasn't until I came out to Mormon college that I realized the importance of holding certain standards. When I went home for Christmas last December, I sat down and discussed the new perspective I'd gained in regards to respect and boundaries within a relationship with my good friend, Rebecca. It's really for her sake that I'm making this post because she asked me to provide a source of reference to the experience I had. It went something like this...

A friend and I were discussing the importance of being chaste and respectful in all of our relationships. I was particularly intrigued because the friend I speak of is a young man, recently returned from serving a mission for the Mormon church, and I'd never really heard the opinion of a man who actively worked to keep himself sexually pure throughout his dating life. I'll be frank, I was semi-skeptical, maybe even faithless in a sense that any male could possibly hold an opinion similar to his without being coerced. I never saw such a view as voluntary on the male counterpart because I grew up in Boston -- where the idea of a man stopping before it got too far is unlikely, at best.

Anyway, my friend relayed the following idea, I'll attempt to reconstruct his exact words to the best of my abilities, for Rebecca's sake.

"It's really not that hard once you reason through it. At the end of the day you have to treat the woman you're currently seeing with the same respect and affection you'd want somebody to show your mother, or your sister, or your future wife. I like to think that, because I'm taking care of the girls I date, because I show them a good time in spite of whether or not I think the relationship itself will go anywhere, somebody out there must be doing the same for the girl I'll eventually fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with."

Alright, let's reason through it. Bex, this is brand new information I'm throwing in just for you. John Bytheway, a motivational speaker for Latter-Day Saint youth, told a similar story about a boy who walked into his seminary class bragging about how he'd broken the record in his stake as far as how many girls he'd kissed in one day (7). Perplexed, his seminary teacher, waited until the next day to pull the boy aside and teach him an important lesson, which I think applies to the point my friend made in his quote. The teacher told the boy that he had found the person who'd break even his numerous record. Curious, the boy asked his teacher who, to which his teacher cleverly responded, "your future wife."

Moral of the story? You have to be the kind of person you'll someday end up with. You have to actively and continuously work towards acquiring the characteristics and qualities you seek in a partner. You can't do a mediocre job yourself and expect a good reward, it's against the laws of nature.

Bex, never settle. Never sell yourself short, never compromise what you know to be true or to be of value. It'll never be worth it. Through heartbreaks and troubles, you'll reach the right destination. Have faith and never be discouraged; someone who's looking for someone that's your kind of special, your kind of wonderful, and your kind of perfect is our there working hard to find you.

Here's a song to support what I've said, I think you'll appreciate it:
Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

Love you.

My Best Friend's Wedding

Today I had the chance to attend my best friend's wedding reception. It was a very interesting experience for me because I wasn't sure whether or not I should go. After all, I had already missed her wedding ceremony in Boston, where we grew up, on account of school. So what would be the point of going to her wedding reception here in Idaho?

I had quite a bit of time to think about the futility of my attendance at the reception during the four hour drive to Twin Falls and the three hours back. When I saw her, she encompassed my past; my life. I realized how I would have never gotten on the path I am currently on without the her help and example. I wouldn't have been able to surpass the trials and difficulties of my youth and enjoy the blessings of a future with limitless possibilities without the dedication and effort of the people dear to me. Without my best friend, who is now moving forward with her life and starting a family of her own -- without my parents, friends, mentors, teachers, etc -- I wouldn't have discovered the potential inside of me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

I once heard that one should always dream and shoot higher than that which we know is beyond our capabilities. I'd like to take this chance to emphasize the importance we all play in each others lives -- whether intentionally or by accident. I'm grateful to those who paved the way for me and who ensured that I would exceed my natural abilities.

That's all for today.

Saint Judas by James Wright

When I went out to kill myself, I caught
A pack of hoodlums beating up a man.
Running to spare his suffering, I forgot
My name, my number, how my day began,
How soldiers milled around the garden stone
And sang amusing songs; how all that day
Their javelins measured crowds; how I alone
Bargained the proper coins, and slipped away.

Banished from heaven, I found this victim beaten,
Stripped, kneed, and left to cry. Dropping my rope
Aside, I ran, ignored the uniforms:
Then I remembered bread my flesh had eaten,
The kiss that ate my flesh. Flayed without hope,
I held the man for nothing in my arms.

On my first day of English 314, one of my favorite professors projected this poem onto the screen without giving us any context (we knew neither the name of the poem nor the author). He then asked us to analyze the poem -- to break it apart and to answer who we believed the speaker to be and how we felt about him.

I remain astonished by the ideas that went through my head and the contrasting reality of the character of the actual narrator. My first idea was that perhaps the speaker was Jew that had been thrown in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. The references to the narrator's number and the guards led appeared to validate my suspicion.

However, my second thought was that perhaps the speaker was Jesus of Nazareth. I referred to all of the allusions to Christianity and wondered if perhaps the author of the poem intended this poem to be seen from the perspective of Christ during the atonement (namely, the suffering in the Gethsemane and in the Cross). But then I was thrown off by the last stanza's allusions to Judas.

Following the discussion of our ideas, my professor, in all his wisdom, revealed the nature of the poem and pointed out that the class had unanimously granted the narrator of this poem mercy. In spite of his evidently guilty conscience -- the narrator fully intended to commit suicide due the shame and guilt he felt -- we were all willing to cut him some slack for finding love enough within his heart to help somebody in need.

Do good deeds cancel out our bad decisions? Can one receive redemption for their most malicious acts?

In so many words, it's not up to me to provide the answers to the questions this poem may raise. However, what I can say is that without knowing the details of the atrocities the narrator had been responsible for, I was able to give him another chance. I yearned for the opportunity to sit down and tell him that everything would be alright. I believed that his good nature was still within him and I wanted him to hold on to that and let go of the past.

Now -- how often are we not willing to overlook the hurtful deeds committed by the ones we hold most dear? How much harder is it to let go of the bigger hurts? We're so quick to be offended -- to feel entitled to feel angry, hurt, upset. We feel it is our right to become bitter because we want to hold the keys of judgment in our own hands. We feel that if we don't reach in a certain way, we are then condoning the behavior of those who have harmed us. As I refer back to the poem, I urge you to consider the way you felt about the narrator. Remember, no matter how bad or evil an action may seem to us; our perspective is infinitely limited. We all fight our own battles against others and against ourselves. But we can never fully comprehend the extent in which a specific experience can influence somebody's life and behavior.

When put in a position to judge, remember, you can never truly understand someone's intentions; someone's state of mind and reason. We all fight our own battles. So, why not cut them some slack, as you were willing to do to Judas?

The Problem with Complacency

--Life passes you by

Potential Unfulfilled; Refusal to Progress

I was discussing this idea with my roommate earlier today and we came to the following conclusion: complacency manifests itself in a disparate amount of ways and it our way of protecting ourselves from disappointment and failure.

We're all victims of this. How many of us haven't heard Nelson Mandela's thoughts on our greatest fear? We are, in fact, quite afraid of our own potential to become great through absorbing the inspired ideas, perspectives, creations around us. We are afraid of furthering our discovery of the wondrous possibilities we are capable of achieving because our conscious would then hold us responsible for that newly attained and broadened view of life around us.

The fact of the matter is that we are refusing to become a better version of ourselves because we'd rather sit on the sidelines and await for somebody braver to step forward and guide us.

I turn you to the following thought:

"A man's work is in danger of deteriorating when he thinks he has found the one best formula for doing it. If he thinks that, he is likely to feel that all he needs is merely to go on repeating himself . . . so long as a person is searching for better ways of doing his work, he is fairly safe."

(EUGENE O'NEILL)

How many extraordinary life experiences are you missing out on because you refuse to open your mind and your heart to the world around you? How many people's paths could you have directed in a better path? Whose presence would have permanently widened your understanding and enriched your life if you had simply paid closer attention?

Do not fall into the trap of complacency. Avoid meaningless relationships, friendships, experiences like the plague. Fight the fear. Be great and surround yourself with greatness.

In closing, another quote:

"I cannot help fearing that men may reach a point where they look on every new theory as a danger, every innovation as a toilsome trouble, every social advance as a first step toward revolution, and that they may absolutely refuse to move at all for fear of being carried off their feet...they may finally become so engrossed in a cowardly love of immediate pleasures that their interest in their own future and in that of their descendants may vanish, and that they will prefer tamely to follow the course of their destiny rather than make a sudden energetic effort necessary to set things right. "

(ALEXIS DE TOCQUEVILLE)