There but for the grace of God, go I.

Today I almost quit. I stared into the mirror and wondered if I should just give up and if it wasn't time to go home. When I considered this, fear entered my heart and I wondered about what the past held for me. My answer may seem obvious to most, but to me, it took a moment to recognize.

Last semester in devotional I heard somebody teach that in life it was impossible to return to a moment before any experience. You could never go back to a state of mind or a lifestyle that you had in the past because you could never forget or undo an experience. As I said, this may seem obvious to most, but as I sit here in nostalgia, this was a difficult conclusion to reach.

Let's analyze my life for a minute. I just returned to college after spending the first half of the semester in Europe studying religious history. That experience was absolutely life changing and I was inspired to change and to become. While I was there, I found myself anxious to return because I saw a bright future ahead of me. I was fearless, because no matter what, I knew that God would stand by me. I knew that He would guide my steps. Though I stepped into the dark, I trusted that He would light my path. This certainty made me wish the trip would come to a conclusion so that I would come home and put the things I learned into practice.

When I returned, I was tested by the life I had already set up for myself before the trip. Although I had returned with new-found confidence and faith, I still had to face the life I left behind; for it had not changed its perspective. The people I know and loved and the places familiar to me expected the same old Jessica. They expected the same mistakes, the same attitudes, the same goals. This would be my new challenge -- to change the person I had once been.

In the process of aligning my life and will with Gods, I found myself stumbling and afraid. I lost the long, enduring companionship of my best friend. In so many ways, I lost the force which kept me strong for so many years. I lost my foundation. As I unraveled on the floor, my will was weakened. And much like Lot's wife, I looked back; refusing to trust in God's ability to provide me with a new foundation.

As I looked back, the rest of my life broke down before me. I found myself distant from the people I cared about. I found myself detached and alone and afraid once again. Though I caught up on my sleep and on my exercise, I felt like I was losing my grasp on the future and on my faith.

And so, here I am today. Barely holding on. Yet I had this wonderful experience and I was rescued once again. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once said that God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with His help, where you are willing to go. And so here I am today. Barely holding on, but trusting that God has a plan for me and that he will provide a way by which His plan can be accomplished.

There but for the grace of God, go I.